it must be school picture day
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?