A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now