What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.