Not all heroes wear capes…
You Might Also Like
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker