there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.