me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Worst Native American name ever.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here