Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.