I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.