11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
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I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.