Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Teach your children to beatbox
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.