Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
A classic…
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”