Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.