Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.