You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
some cats are just doing for fun!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.