[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Lmfaoooooo
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Living the best life.. 😊
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice