If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.