I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
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Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
lol
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Smells like a challenge to me
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.