*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
#Caturday
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”