My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
So creative 😂
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I think I’ll stand
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.