I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Passwords are more important than ever.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water