I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.