Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards