Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe