Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
scares
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.