<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
you gotta be faster
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.