DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”