My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
This is amazing.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky