Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.