Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.