Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Love thy neighbor’s dog
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.