Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
This is Sparta
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb