Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
ibopfufen
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.