Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.