I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again