I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
The point of your 20s
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
sir, my pâté if you please
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to