My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it