My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.