Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Asking the real questions!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet