me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I want to meet the individual who made this
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.