me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
oh you wanna fight?!
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..