Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
You Might Also Like
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Called it
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Noah was an idiot.