“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
This was the best day of my life
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant