I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
This kid is going places
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?