*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Where is your GOD now????
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I am yelling
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.