7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.