7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.