All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*