If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Wait for it
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.