Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Cake!!
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”