Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
drew a comic about my origin story
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex