“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel