I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
These work great until they don’t.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.