I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”