Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”